I started keeping a list of all the things Leeton did wrong this week for my therapist.
Now don’t laugh, I bet you’ve done it too.
Maybe not for your therapist but maybe for your bestie and maybe just in your mind.
A nice running dialogue of looping thoughts about what’s wrong with someone else’s behaviour and why it’s their fault you couldn’t do what you said you wanted to do.
This is my story. I’m really good at doing this.
So this week when our therapist set the goal of Leeton getting home early enough for me to take a half hour to one hour break for alone time or working alone time each night my conscious mind said “OMG that just sounds incredible, that would change everything”
My unconscious mind said “let’s sabotage the shit out of this!”
I started that instantly stating out loud “I know he’s NOT going to do it”
She called me on it and said way to fuck it up before he even had the chance.
I didn’t learn there.
Instead I gave him a get out jail free card for 4 days.
So he could finish up his list of jobs that he was telling me was more important than my need for that half break and I enabled that to be the case- I made it easy on him to not allow me that time.
I set the condition that come Monday I want that break
But then waited with notebook in hand ready to jot down how he wasn’t show up for me even after I gave him that get out of jail free card.
And do you know what happens when your mind is looking for things to put on that list?
It bloody well finds evidence.
I was scribing like a boss!
Ringing my besties letting them know all about my list I had going searching for the validation ….. yeah what a fucker …..
And when he did get home there were a lot of reason why I couldn’t choose to take that break.
And when I did take that break there were a lot of things “that messed up in our family routine because I took that break”
It was at this point that I clicked.
Epic play child Katrina.
The breaks didn’t happen because I didn’t value it enough to make it happen.
I don’t think I’m worthy of a break.
I haven’t worked past my need to finish my dinner before I get my dessert
– to finish my job list before I get to rest
– conquer a goal before I get a reward
I am so deeply invested in this extrinsic reward system that I have even internalised it.
I have learnt that rest is a reward and you only get that reward if you earnt it.
And as a mother and woman we earn it when everybody else is satisfied, fed, clean, their needs catered for
And I know rationally “we can’t serve from an empty cup” and yet still my rest days are reserved for when I’m too sick to get out of bed
I forget to drink water.
I forget to eat.
I certainly don’t value sleep. If Netflix is on offer with some companionship off Leet I’m in no matter how many toothpicks are prying open my eyes.
If I get a moment not doing something for someone else or lying down feeding Rumi
I’m on here answering questions and writing.
The time I have away from my family is always to work.
My behaviour is epic for running my
Up until the point that I burn out and am no good to anyone.
And yet that’s pretty much where I’m at with the rest cycle.
It is not a non negotiable in my life.
And even when I acknowledge that would be good for me and my health and my family and my relationships and I how I show up in my business and most importantly me it’s still reserved as a sometimes thing because there is a deep belief in there that the whole world will stop turning if I stop and an even deeper belief that I don’t deserve to stop or choose myself above anyone else
So I kept a check list in my brain and on a note pad keeping me really busy focused on all the things Leet was doing to make sure I didn’t get that time.
Because being right and blaming him and societies expectations on mothers (which we actively choose into) instead of accountable for this lack of self care is far easier to stomach
But it makes for really distant connection and really unfulfilling conversation and relationships and quite frankly I am really tired and really needing to own my place in that.